I’m constantly behind. Constantly. And it is completely overwhelming.
I’m writing this post the day of, something that hasn’t happened once since the beginning of the year. I like to try to get everything written and set up for the week on Sunday. That way, all I have to do is push “Publish” the night before (if I’m really on top of things) and then schedule my Facebook and Twitter posts. I also have not written an outline for this one either, so we’ll see what happens with that.
I’m overwhelmed. I’ll be dreadfully honest with you and say that last night, I broke down. There are frustrations that are of differing levels in my life, and I now know that there are a lot of them. Any one by itself would be completely bearable. Moving on would be a breeze, the reminder might be painful at times, but we all have to deal with hard memories.
First of all, my brain wants to do everything but my body just wants to sleep. My goal is a sickening 27 credits by the end of April, along with blogging every day, along with working (and not getting enough hours). There are some big purchases I’d really like to make, but I need to finish paying for school, so I’m trying to get creative on how I’m going to do that, but I have very little time. I have six trips planned, one per month until June (except for in April, when there will be two). I know of at least three that will be happening after that, and there are more that are possibilities. I’m working with six other students from my school to plan a week-long event that will be happening in the fall (to which hopefully 300 or more students will show up) and to build our student community. I’d like to start a business soon. It would be awesome to sell one of my songs in a little while, but that takes time and money (and copyrighting, and the government isn’t moving very quickly right now). My social media needs some attention, this blog design is somewhat atrocious, and I’d like to build my following but that also takes a lot of time.
My control is like a kite on a very windy day. It is blowing wildly all around trying desperately to fly out of my grasp, and my knuckles are white from holding on. But I’m still trusting completely in myself to keep it close to home, and that’s where I’ve failed.
You guys all read it. The big turning point in my life was a very emotional ending in my life that happened a few weeks ago. I promised that I would pray instead of getting depressed, and wouldn’t you know it, that didn’t happen. I want to tell God when He can be apart of my life and ignore Him when I feel like I’m strong enough to handle it. I’m going through the motions, taking notes while listening to the wonderful sermons at my new church, listening to the sermon podcast of Tommy Nelson almost every day (you should seriously check him out, he pastors Denton Bible Church, and he is phenomenal), I’m reading my Bible almost every day, and reading a book by Tozer with my best friend. I’m going to get a little bible study from my store to study a book of the Bible in-depth. I mean, I tell a customer that I’ll pray for them at least once a week and I listen to Christian music for 6 hours straight when I work. I should have a great relationship with God, but I absolutely don’t. And last night, I just lost it. I asked God Why, and I snapped under the weight of the 16,000 things going on in my life right now.
It’s an interesting conclusion that I’ve just come to. I wonder if all creative people come to this point in their lives. I’ve learned how to control my creativity, and I love that. My goal for this year is to blossom as a creative person and to be able to share it with the world. That’s really what this blog has become>> A place to store my creative life. But ever since I’ve concluded that my purpose in life is to create, I have had an interesting back-and-forth with God about it. Ultimately, He is the Creator, He is my Creator. The entire world lends so much inspiration, because of His superior creativity, but sometimes, for me, that inspiration comes from sinful people, sinful places. Yet, it makes me think and ponder and create more and learn. And when it comes to music, usually my inspiration doesn’t come from other Christians.
I explained it to my dad today>> As a songwriter, I can make an educated guess about what is going through the head of someone writing a song for Christian artists. Many of those songs (believe me, I listen to a lot of them) aren’t necessarily exactly accurate to the Bible or what I’m guessing the songwriter was trying to communicate. Listen to Overcomer by Mandisa, for example; she says, “You’re an overcomer…That’s when He reminds you, You’re an overcomer.” Some of it is definitely Biblical, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that God tells us that we are overcomers, maybe He is, but not us. A songwriter, like a poet, must make the words fit together to look right, sound right, feel right, and when you’re working with a Truth that must not budge, that task becomes much harder, at least for mere humans. When I write a song about an experience with another human, tweaking the story really doesn’t matter. Nobody cares, much less knows. But I see too many Christian artists being either confined to a certain sound or taking liberties with the Scripture, and neither of those things are very inspiring. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule>> Hillsong United’s latest album Zion is the single best album I have ever heard in my life, even beating out Bad Blood by Bastille. Matt Maher is creative and has a unique sound, yet he still manages to put so much raw theology in his songs, and I absolutely love listening to his music. I once heard a very influential producer (a secular one, to be clear) say that the Beatles were proof to him that God exists. That’s all fine and dandy (and a little weird), but I have to ask, why isn’t Christian creativity proof that God exists, you know?
And here is the 1 million dollar question that I asked God last night (along with all the smaller 1 thousand dollar ones), “How can I be creative and be a Christian?” Because God created me to be creative, and He also created me to be a Christian, so I know that Christianity should not feel confining when it comes to artistic endeavors. But our culture seems to think the two are somewhat mutually exclusive and I’m swimming in fear and sin and false freedom.
This is totally turning into a post I planned to write about Christians being creative and I may or may not still write that. I probably will because this post just feels like I’m throwing up all over my blog, but a little vulnerability won’t hurt anyone.
I’m finishing this post later in the day (sorry guys, it’s 6:41 PM and this STILL isn’t up), and today (after shoveling loads of snow and not doing my laundry), I read the entire book of 2 Timothy. Wow, talk about a good read! Seriously, I think 2 Timothy will never take off because of 1 Timothy (kind of like the name, Aubry will never take off because of Audrey. Anyways.). There was one verse that was amazing. Go read it in context, I’m not going to quote the entire book, but here it is, “Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David. This is my gospel, for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God’s word is not chained.” (2 Timothy 2:8-9, NIV) In 2 Timothy, Paul sounded depressed, burdened, hurt by others (he named like 16,000 names that abandoned him or betrayed him). Scholars think that he wrote the letter while under house arrest, so he definitely wasn’t feeling like he had much freedom! But he points out that God’s word is not chained. No matter what, God is a God of freedom. I really needed to hear that.
Alright, so this post was long, to say the least. I’m sorry that it took so long for this to get published, and I hope you all had an amazing Friday. I kind of promised a video this week, but that didn’t happen at all (as you can tell). I think I’ll vlog on Sunday (GO SEAHAWKS) so hopefully that will be done by Tuesday. I’ll try to get an inspirational type video out by next Friday, and I’m going to be filming a Winter Lookbook as well, so keep your eyes peeled for that! But of course, for the rest of this crazy year, you can expect one post a day. Also, I’d love to hear what you want to see me post on the blog! Either tweet me @AubryStewart, comment on my Facebook page, or comment below! Leave me some ideas!
And if you got to the bottom of this thing, I am forever in your debt. Because, well, I probably wouldn’t have read the whole thing if I were you.
I love you all!
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