Am I holding up? Nope.
I want so hard to be fine, to be okay, to be normal. I want to live my life like I don’t remember anything painful, like nothing ever happened. It’s a low point to be when you’re out of tears. When your shoulders convulse, but nothing comes out. I want to be mad about it, but I don’t want to be mad at the same time. I know if I let myself get angry about it, I’ll get bitter, and that is the last thing I want to be. The memories, I know, are good ones, some of the best I’ve ever had. Yet, I don’t want to remember any of it. My stress levels are high again for the first time since almost a year ago. It only happened last weekend, but it feels like an eternity since now and last Saturday. It seems like everything in my life changed, in the blink of an eye.
And now, only a week later, I’m literally out of tears. I have actually tried to cry and I can’t. Why am I trying to cry? Because I don’t want to be bitter. Everything in me wants to not be bitter. I can’t be angry, I can’t let myself be angry. I can’t feel shame, I can’t let myself be ashamed. If I do, I’ll be bitter. And then I’ll never get the chance to live the life I want.
So okay, maybe it’s a selfish thing. I want to live and live well and hard. And I know that if I’m bitter, I’ll only get in the way. So I want to get over it.
But at the same time, I don’t want to just snap my fingers and get over it. I have memories. And they are good ones. I want to hold on to them and keep them and let them stand untainted by anything in the present. That’s what I want. And then I want to be able to move on, to find excitement in the new, and make new memories with new people.
A beginning started the moment that I said, “Bye”. Honestly, that beginning sucks. It hurts like nothing else. But there it is, and I’m going to make the most of it.
This week, I promise myself to work hard and to accomplish my goals. I promise to have compassion on people and to lend a listening ear. I promise to pray whenever I cry. I promise to look at the beauty in the world and to cherish it. And I promise to not be angry, so that bitterness will not follow.
What is your pledge this week?
Be sure to follow me on all my social media to stay updated!